Letter to my husband

Dear husband

I saw you yesterday and I know you saw me too, but you just passed me as if you hadn’t. I shouted your name really loud but you just kept walking as if I wasn’t there. Was my voice not loud enough and did you not see my smile?

Even when I walked into the house too, you behaved still with scorn. The way you looked at me and smirked your face made me cry. I could not show you though the tears in my eyes because then you could see the defeat I felt that very moment. Instead when I went to the bathroom I just laid in there and I cried. I cry a million times but I just never show you.

I don’t know where it all went wrong that you treat me worse than my own fears. I gave you the beauty of my youth and I gave you all my essence of being a woman. I gave birth to our 3 beautiful children but all I have now is scars that will never fade away.

I went to the doctor yesterday too and when he asked me about the bruises all over my body I just said I was clumsy and fell down the stairs, one time too many. You know every time you raise your hand at me, you take away a piece of my soul. I think I am just an empty shell of a person without a soul considering the number of times you have hit on me and pushed me against the wall. I see the specks of my blood on the wall when I am going up the staircase and no matter how much I wash the walls even with bleach the spots just don’t fade at all.

This house which we bought to call a home is a prison for me. No matter how much heating I put on its still cold for me. I shiver every time I walk through the door even in summer when it is hot outside. My heart pounds really hard, this was meant to be a safe place for me and you know my history.

You know how when I was a young girl that man who was meant to be my guardian abused me and my mama just looked on. You know I was hooked onto drugs and thrown into soliciting just to survive. You know the streets were rough on me. The ghetto corrupted me. You know my life almost ended when I cut my wrists one time too many and I lost so much blood out there on the streets before they found me. You know too how hard it was to have a child because of the abortion I had after the rape when I was 12. My husband you came and you promised me it was all going to be fine.

I got off the streets into this amazing building which was meant to be my security place and here you are today worse than anything I had never imagined.

Please my husband just don’t hit me anymore or raise your hand at me. I am at the point of losing my mind and I am afraid I might lift these tiny worn out hands and take you out. Please I beg you don’t let my children grow without their parents, because I know I will snap one day.

I hope you will read this letter after your dinner and reply me in the morning.

Your wife

Today two things occurred to me out of nowhere. I was at home when I remembered that in the beginning the earth was void and without form and God spoke and he said let there be light. I realised I went to bed last night and it was dark, yet God said let there be light, not darkness, yet at the end of the day darkness comes and morning comes as well. I pondered a bit further not being a scientists though I realised even though day and night are equally divided into two half’s of twelve hours, it stays lighter longer than it stays dark. I began to think why Lord. Why did I have to get this thought into my head? Suddenly I got excited. It occurred to me that yes God did not command darkness but it always comes, meaning at some point in our lives no matter how light darkness will come but the beauty is God is saying look at the day my child, darkness does not last always. I did not command it into existence; it is only for a short time. I spoke light into the world; I will bring and birth the light into your life. Yes my friends, we all have situations but hold fast it’s only a train ride because light is around the corner. Do not despair, do not give up, do not stop dreaming, fail a million times and fall but still get up with the question is today the day I get light if not today then it is only a matter of seconds, the light is drawing nearer

Many a time I have tried to let you see the way things stand from my side but you are too involved in yourself to listen to me. I have sat in the silence of my tears because you hurt me so many times by your words. I just needed you to love me in return. I wanted to make this house a home so much I put my all on the table. Yes we furnished and put the chairs in there but Luther Vandross said it better, a chair is still a chair even if no one is sitting there but a house cannot be a home if there is no one there for me to hold on to and to say good morning to and good night to. Pease do not hold it against me that I have to go and start all over again. I may be tired now but I will build my home again without you and find my peace. I will build it to be my peace and my rest place.

I need the free things in life too

Like a spoken word that cannot be taken back, can bygones be bygones?
Can past victories guarantee future success?
What about past failures, do they disqualify a person from further attempts?
Can one find comfort in solitude?
Reminiscing about the past, is that not also another form of a fantasy?
Is it possible to resurrect the good old days?
How long does it take to rebuild a nation, a relationship what about shuttered dreams?
Can you reach good ends through evil means?
If pain is love, can one be separated from the other?
Unconditional love, does that exist or it’s what we hope for?
Is it true that, he who is filled with hatred and bitterness will be paralyzed, confused and engulfed with it? Can a relationship provide fulfillment in life or it just enhances it?
A great nation, did it just appear into existence or it was build through hardships?
A happy family, is it an inheritance or does it require sacrifice and tolerance?